How to Make A Man Commit
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How to Make A Man Commit
Table of Contents
Two Examples 3
Gain His Confidence 4
Love Him for Himself Alone 5
Try to Be Natural 5
Give Him a Sense of Freedom 6
Keep Your Balance 7
Don’t Use Jealousy as a Weapon 8
Insist on Sexual Fidelity 9
He Needs & Loves You 10
He Must Introduce You to His Family & Friends 11
Insist on Getting What’s Important 12
How to Make a Man Commit
Let’s talk evolution for a moment. Both men and women are biologically engineered to have children in order to perpetuate the species. But, they have different ways of doing this.
A man’s best reproductive efforts involve him spreading his sperm around as many women as possible. Having hundreds of children best perpetuates his line.
A woman, on the other hand, must raise the children that she bears. She can only have a few children in her lifetime and her line is best perpetuated if they are well cared for, and most of the time that means that the man who fathers the children will be around to raise them.
To that end, women have always wanted commitment from their men and men have always resisted – a little bit – actually committing. While some of the biological pressures have lifted as women are having fewer children and are better able to financially support them, we all still feel the urge to settle down into families and live happily ever after.
This report will look at couples in various stages of the commitment game and discuss how the women can help their men to commit.
Cassie had been seeing Marc for 9 months. He had said he loved her a few times, but seemed reluctant to use the word too frequently. Their sex was great – he had told her it was the best ever and he genuinely seemed to enjoy their time together.
But he hadn’t committed himself to her. About once a month, he would go on a date with another woman “just to keep you on your toes,” he told Cassie.
He was always vague about his weekend plans. While she had met a few of his friends, she still felt excluded from his social world. And, he adamantly refused to introduce her to anyone in his family.
Geri and Ryan had been dating for three years and had lived together for the past year. Geri was 29 and Ryan was 32. Geri felt that the time was ripe for marriage. If Ryan wasn’t willing to commit to forever, she wanted time to find someone who was.
Marc and Ryan, like millions of other men, cheat themselves and the women they love out of a life that would make them both happy. They are afraid, some would say phobic, of commitment.
Is there anything Cassie and Geri can do to help their guys take the step that will bring ultimate happiness for both them and their man?
Happily, the answer is yes. The solutions are simple. You can make easy adjustments to your lifestyle that cost nothing and will end up bringing the fulfillment and commitment you have dreamed of.
Gain His Confidence
You need to make it easy for him to confide in you by listening to him without giving advice or criticizing him. He needs to know that it is safe to tell you more. The more he tells you, the more committed he will become.
One night, Ryan told Geri how insufficient he felt because he had never finished college. Geri’s initial instinct was to encourage him to go back and finish his degree. Fortunately, she stopped herself. She told him she loved him as much as if he had a Ph.D. from Harvard. Instead of offering him suggestions, she offered her support.
One night Marc told Cassie that he was worried about losing his job in this economy. Cassie was eager to jump in and strategize about how to get a new one, but instead she decided to make it clear that she loved him just as much if his job went away.
Most women imagine that they are “Dear Abby” to everyone they love. We’re full of advice and suggestions. Oftentimes, this is the wrong direction to go.
There is a time for advice. It comes when he asks for it. When he is expressing his fears or insecurities, he needs you, not your advice.
Love Him for Himself Alone
Make your man feel special by showing him that you love him for himself alone. Don’t make him feel like he is being sized up for husband material right out of the gate.
One of Cassie’s early problems was that she asked “resume” questions on the first date. She wanted to know how much he made, where he went to college, was Marc ever married, and what his parents did for a living.
Marc felt that he was being “sized up” for a leading role in a movie as Cassie’s husband. As a result, he’s always kept her at arm’s length, even though she came pretty darn close to being the woman of his dreams.
She should have asked him how he felt about things. Instead of resume questions, ones about his likes and dislikes would have been more appropriate.
One thing Cassie did right was when Marc announced that he had received a big bonus at work, she stayed away from asking how much it was. Instead, she said that this must be very exciting for him. She asked if he knew it was coming and wanted to know if his friends congratulated him.
Instead of prying, Cassie enjoyed the experience with him.
As a result, Marc started sharing more with her. Cassie knew that she didn’t like to be quizzed and figured that that was even more true for Marc. She figured out that she needed to communicate that she cared about him and not what he represented or the category he was in. This made him feel special.
Keep things personal as opposed to factual.
Try to Be Natural
Try to be natural. Be yourself and don’t conceal your tastes or the things you like.
Cassie tried to “fit in” by not being herself at first. Marc said he liked rap music on their first date. He rattled off some people she had never heard of. She pretended that she knew and liked them.
You want to be a real person to someone you love. Cassie was allowed to say that she didn’t know anything about that kind of music. Cassie should have told him that her taste in music tended toward the classical and she loved Opera. If he liked her, that wouldn’t have chased her away and that revelation later wouldn’t have come as such a big surprise.
A turning point in Ryan and Gina’s relationship came when she loosened up enough to cry in movies. By being natural, she encouraged him to be the same. Both Ryan and Gina were special people, but they were special in different ways.
As Geri made herself vulnerable, Ryan was able to open up as well. They soon were looking for an apartment to share.
Give Him a Sense of Freedom
Give your man the sense that he can keep his freedom – at least to a reasonable degree.
While you, as a woman, think of a new relationship as changing your life, your man thinks only of preservation. You may look forward to buying a new house, having kids, changing jobs, taking joint vacations. Meanwhile, he is determined to keep his old routines and change as little as he can.
To him, sameness means security. If you try to change his life too fast, he will feel that his masculinity will be the next thing to go. He will already feel threatened. Make small gestures to show him that you aren’t taking over his life and taking everything away from him. For instance, be sure that he still has time to see his men friends alone. When guys get together without women present, it’s common for one to ask, “How did you get out tonight?” The guys feel sorry for the buddy who can never join them. If your man shows up, at least some of the time, it looks like his woman – you – are an effortless partner. Good commitment material.
Men reassure themselves of their masculinity not just by being with a woman who loves them, but by being with the guys. It’s symbolic. Give him the reassurance that he’s still a guy and can still travel light, up to a point, by being easy about time he spends away from you.
Keep Your Balance
Don’t let him do too much for you or spend too much, (even if he volunteers).
This was one of the problems Geri had. Ryan was a very good salesman and made considerably more money than she did as an elementary school teacher. One month, she was a little short on the rent and he gave her $200 to tide her over. He also bought her expensive jewelry on occasions such as Valentine’s day and was always taking her out to expensive restaurants.
Geri, of course, couldn’t reciprocate. She tried to “make up” for this by making dinner at her house and baking cookies and brownies for him to take home. But it soon became clear that they had an “uneven” relationship.
Because the relationship was out of balance, Ryan woke up one morning and asked himself what he was getting into. As a result, he wanted to swing the pendulum the other way.
This was bad news for Geri, at least as far as commitment went.
Early in a relationship, a man needs to reaffirm his sense of maleness by fixing things in a woman’s house or paying for things. This makes the woman feel taken care of.
But when women take things too far, they damage their relationships.
Don’t overburden your man. If you can pay for someone to do it, don’t ask him. Or, if a friend can do the job, it might be a better fit.
While many men and women feel the first couple of dates should be on the man’s tab, you should try to make things more equal once you become a couple. If there is a financial disparity and it’s not possible to go 50-50, you should still try to pick up every 4th dinner, even if it has to be at a less expensive restaurant.
And, let your man know that you don’t expect him to buy you expensive gifts right off the bat. You are more interested in him than the things he can buy you.
Sometimes men will overspend on the women they care for and then start to resent them. They’ll say “I can’t afford this” and run in the opposite direction.
Remember that his masculine pretense makes it hard for him to admit that he is overextended. He may feel that he has to take you to restaurants you “deserve” but that he cannot afford, or cannot afford as often.
You’ll make it simple for him to commit to you when you let him know that spending big bucks is optional and not really necessary. Suggest going out for pizza and beer instead of fancy Italian and expensive wine.
Brent was a very wealthy man who was dating Jenn, a woman much younger than himself. He was troubled because Jenn had never picked up as much as a lunch check even though he regularly paid for dinner and had even taken her on vacations to Hawaii and British Columbia.
He started to feel that the fact she had never offered to pay for anything meant that she didn’t appreciate what he was giving. Brent’s mother, a wise woman, said that if he really cared for Jenn, he would talk to her about his feelings.
Brent, on the brink of giving up the relationship, had “the talk.” His feelings surprised Jenn. She had no idea he felt this way. She thought that because he made so much more money than she did, and there was no way she could “play in his league” that she should just let him pay.
It turned out to be a discussion that saved their relationship.
Don’t Use Jealousy as a Weapon
Don’t make your man jealous as a device to build his interest in you.
Beatrix knew the old adage that “playing hard to get” would clinch the commitment deal. She was ready for Scott to propose and he didn’t seem to be getting the message.
So, she started flirting with other men in Scott’s presence. She didn’t have any interest in these men, but she thought that if he saw other men reacting to her, he would get territorial and want to secure her for his own.
This action backfired. Scott, like most men, wanted Beatrix to be undyingly loyal.
The masculine pretense is at play here once again. Most men, no matter what they say, are very insecure about their sexual desirability and about their appeal.
Don’t torture your man by playing hard to get and implying that he has to work for your love. He can hardly feel sexually desirable if he has to chase you and make big promises before you’ll accept him as a lover.
Scott needed Beatrix to find him the most attractive man in the world.
Paul had encouraged Shelly to talk about her past boyfriends. The anecdotes turned him on. But as their relationship got more serious, these stories proved to be problematic as far as moving them forward.
He started to worry that if she had loved another man once and left him, she might leave him too. Even worse, she might talk about him to a new lover.
His insecurities made it hard for him to commit to Shelly. Though he was the one digging for stories in the first place, she had dug herself a hole with them.
Once you two are really together, there should be no surprises. If an old boyfriend calls, or you have lunch with a male friend, don’t hesitate to tell him. You have the right to do what you want. Some guys carry their loyalty fears too far. Things will be a lot less likely to get out of hand, jealousy-wise, if you are upfront about your opposite sex friends right from the start.
But don’t tease him either. If you want him to commit, things have to be open and honest. That rules out any game playing.
Insist on Sexual Fidelity
Insist on sexual fidelity once you feel you need it.
Cassie feared that Marc would get nervous and leave her if she demanded monogamy. But the opposite is actually true.
When she finally bit the bullet, Marc was secretly flattered that she was willing to forgo all others. By telling him that his sexual faithfulness was essential to her, she in effect gave him the reassurance that she intended to be faithful to him.
Marc did protest and acted like the request was silly. But, he breathed a big sigh of relief and it moved the couple a big step toward commitment.
He Needs & Loves You – He Just Doesn’t Know it Yet
Help your man to accept the fact that he needs you and loves you.
Ryan and Geri had been living together for a year. But, he had never said “I love you” without a specific prompt from Geri. His masculine pretense was making Ryan afraid to admit to anyone (especially himself) how much he needed her.
This wasn’t Ryan’s fault.
He had not had much practice at expressing his emotions freely. Geri needed to make him feel free to do so.
It was her job to ask for what she needed. She needed to insist that Ryan tell her that he loved her.
When she did so, he asked her “isn’t it obvious?” and “why else would I be living with you?”
On another occasion, he said “you are the most beautiful woman in the world,” essentially substituting a compliment for words of commitment.
Geri told him that wasn’t good enough. “I need to hear you say you love me even if it is obvious and if it is obvious, then why not say it?” she told him.
Ryan had to tell Geri that he loved her, using those words, and learn to say it repeatedly before he himself accepted that he loved her. Only then did it become a fact of life.
We never truly accept things that we refuse to say — or are afraid to say. If your man repeatedly refuses to say that he loves you, if he never volunteers it, he isn’t ready to commit to you and he certainly won’t marry you. Once he starts telling you repeatedly that he loves you, however, he will come to accept his love of you as part of life. Soon, he won’t be able to imagine life without loving you.
He Must Introduce You to Family and Friends
After a few months, insist that your man introduce you to his family and friends and to anyone important in his life.
Introducing you to his family and friends is a very basic kind of commitment.
When Jeanne met Rick, they enjoyed quiet nights together. But, she soon began to wonder if he was a social leper because he never introduced her to any of his friends.
When she pressed him on this, he made all kinds of excuses.
What Jeanne came to realize was that Rick wasn’t willing to integrate her into his life at all. She was totally disposable.
Cassie had met most of Marc’s friends, but had never met anyone in his family. During Christmas, they didn’t see each other for five days because of various family commitments.
Finally, Cassie put her foot down. She told him that she wanted to meet his parents and sisters “or else.” This made Marc realize that he really did want her as a more permanent part of his life.
When your boyfriend introduces you first to his friends and then to his family, he is making a very basic kind of commitment which for him, is an important step on the road to a lifetime commitment. The man who won’t bring you into his life won’t marry you. A man must see you interacting with the people important to him to think of you as a wife. His making you part of his social life (just like his saying, “I love you,”) is an important rung on the ladder that he must climb toward commitment.
Insist on Getting What’s Important
Guard against giving your man more than you really want to over a long period of time.
Christine was head over heels in love with John. At first, it didn’t matter that he wasn’t very responsive to her needs in bed. But, he became quite comfortable in their routine, and Christine never got the upper hand back in getting what she desired.
If you like certain sex acts, make sure you communicate what they are and make sure that you get your share.
Damian always invited his buddies over at the last minute and didn’t help Wanda prepare for them. Because she didn’t say anything the first few times, it became the established pattern. Wanda slowly started to resent this and when she blew up one day, Damian didn’t know what had hit him.
If you’re not getting enough of what you want and find yourself feeling angry or depressed, it’s not fair to you. Also, you will definitely communicate this and your man will move away from commitment. Why should he sign up for life with a woman who’s unhappy or unfulfilled? In taking care of yourself, you are taking care of the relationship.
A relationship is a two way street. If you are ready to take it to the next level and your boyfriend is not, you need to analyze what you’ve done to date and what you still need to do.
Because Cassie had asked the “resume” questions right off the back, she had months of work to do in getting Marc to trust that she wanted him and not a “generic” man that fit some list of criterion. But, Cassie was able to gain his trust as she backed away from prying into the details of his life and just enjoying the ride.
So, if you have seen that you have done any “damage” in the “commitment” zone of your relationship, these things can be fixed.
Remember that getting to the alter means that you have laid the groundwork for a prosperous relationship.
At the beginning of this report, I talked about how women have the built in “nesting” urge while men have just the opposite natural instinct. As a society, we have “civilized” men into settling down into relationships for the long haul.
In general, it is the woman who is pushing for commitment while the man seems to be dragging his feet.
If this is the situation you are in, you need to be laying the foundation for him to pop the question. You do this by moving him along the path toward commitment.
Whether it is getting him to introduce you to his friends or making him actually say “I love you,” lead him step by step on the path to the alter.