Article 4 In The Series of Articles on From Breaking Up to Making Up
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From Breaking Up to Making Up
Make the Call
One of you has to make contact with the other to close out any business you have together. Take the initiative and make the call. Try to keep it light and friendly.
Use the call to sense where your ex is in his or her feelings about you. For instance, does it seem like they are wanting to get back together? Do they want to be friends? Or, are they just hostile to you? A lot will depend on this phone call, so plan it carefully.
Try to keep the phone call short. Don’t re-hash the break up. Don’t level any accusations. Perhaps the best thing to do is to say “I missed you and I just wanted to check in. Whatever happens from here, I want you to know that I care about you.” Then, if it seems that things are on an even keel, suggest meeting casually over coffee.
But, don’t drag out this call. Don’t feel that you have to analyze the entire relationship or discuss the details of the break up scene. The goal of the call is the meeting.
The same rules apply if your ex is the one that initiated the call.
The meeting doesn’t have to be a date. It can be a chance for you to discuss things more calmly than you did when you broke up. Try to find a neutral, non-suggestive place. Don’t go to the place where you had your first date. Don’t try to recreate a fantasy. Instead, make it a place where you can genuinely talk about your relationship.
In the meeting you can decide how to go forward with your relationship. For instance, you can determine whether you are going to try to reconcile or whether you want to be “just friends” in the future. You may also decide that there is no point in ever having contact again. But this meeting can bring some closure to the relationship if that is the case.
Not everyone will agree to have a meeting. If the break up was particularly painful, for instance if you cheated on your ex, the meeting may be impossible.
If your ex isn’t keen on the meeting, suggest that he or she bring a support person with them. Tell them that there are some things that the two of you need to sort out before you can move on.
If You Reconcile
One positive outcome of the meeting may be that you decide to get back together again. But, if you do decide to reconcile, there are some things you should consider.
Don’t Take Up Where You Left Off
One reason many people break up is because the relationship had gotten ahead of the parties. So, take a step back. Don’t feel like you have to start right back where you left off.
For instance, suggest that you go out on formal dates again rather than just “hanging out” all the time. Consider taking a step back sexually as well so you have a chance to re-acquaint yourselves emotionally.
Make a point of making a production of the relationship. Think of romantic date ideas. Do things for your partner that will make him or her happy. Don’t wear old sloppy “comfortable” clothes around them; make a point of always looking your best.
It will be amazing how making an effort recharges your relationship.
Article 5 will be published tomorrow.
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